Jill is back in the hospital. She was scheduled for a hysterectomy for uterine cancer, but blood tests revealed that her blood count was very low and her kidneys were just barely functioning. So the surgery was canceled. There will be a biopsy today to determine why the kidneys are failing. It could be end stage renal disease. If so, the doctor will recommend dialysis. I feel so bad for her. She is right – she seems to “get everything” and wants to know why.

 I was concerned some years ago that I would be asked to donate a kidney to her. At the time Jeannie said she would donate a kidney for Jill but could not because she was diabetic. Easy to say if you know that you cannot! That left only me as a possible candidate for a kidney, which I refused. Blood pressure medicine helped Jill’s kidney function to return to what is normal for her. AT the time I remember saying the I wouldn’t give her a kidney, as she ate Twinkies for breakfast, and it was obvious that she didn’t take care of her health.

I began thinking about that again as the doctor is saying that Jill may have end stage renal disease. The only solutions for that are a transplant or dialysis. I am not considered a candidate for donating a kidney because of my age, although sometimes exemptions are given. But after speaking with Jill about her diet – soda and Kolache for breakfast, cheeseburgers and the like when she eats out, nothing much has changed. Jill still smokes. She has taken too much tylenol and benadryl and perhaps other drugs – I just don’t know. Jill is unlikely to be able to follow the regimen required of those receiving a transplant.

With Jill’s overall health she may not be a candidate for a transplant. I may not be a match, although we have the same blood type. Jill has so much wrong with her; I think it unlikely that she will recover from any of it. I still do pray that God will heal her, but I really am sad about what is happening to her. She has had a difficult life – some of it self induced. Until just a few years ago, I really wasn’t all that helpful to her. I didn’t like her lifestyle or how she treated me and others, especially our parents.

In a way, though, after thinking about this, listening to her speak, and thinking about what would happen to me and my family should I be required to donate a kidney to her, I feel a little relieved. I don’t have to do this. I cannot fix it. This is a “God job”. I can stop being the one who always “fixes” everything. I can’t fix this – or anything else to be truthful, but especially this. I can only accompany her on this journey, love her and try to comfort her as much as I can.

It is a tragedy that her life has come to this, regardless of what part her lifestyle played in this.