Jill passed from this life today just after 1pm. I was in her room, talking with Shannon, a kind woman who had met Jill and often arranged transportation for the nursing facility. They say that people can hear, that hearing is the last thing to go. Did I say enough? Did I tell her I loved her enough? Why was there a tear in Jill’s eye when she passed? Was it sadness or joy? I will never know, at least not in this life.
I don’t know how to feel right now. I have been tired. I have gone to the nursing home every day since she returned from the hospital a little over a week ago. Before that I was visiting Jill in the hospital – two different hospitalizations separated by only a few days. Why did I visit with Jill? Was it out of duty or was there something else? Was it love? Toward the end I knew that I wanted to be with her, to comfort her if I could. But did I comfort her? I hope so.
Jill’s life was really difficult – perhaps even from the beginning but mostly after she was diagnosed with diabetes. She didn’t take care of herself well. She smoked since she was a teenager. Jill had non Hodgkins lymphona and then some time later Jill’s kidneys failed. I know she tried with the renal diet for a time but after she went on dialysis, her life was so difficult.
I know I was angry with Jill especially about her finances and her smoking. But over the last couple of years my heart softened toward her. How could it not? I think she has taught me a lot, to be more compassionate.
My family is gone now. I am glad that I have the website. At least my memories are there. If I lose my memories as I grow older, maybe someone will read the stories to me so I can remember.
The questions still remains – why am I the last? There are no answers.