This past month has been horrid, in addition, summer is always a bad time for me. I don’t like the heat and can’t really work outdoors because of it anymore – not that I really want to or have the strength to do so.
My sister Christine passed unexpectedly on June 20, 2014 after heart surgery. My sister Jean’s birthday is July 12th – she passed on October 10, 2010. Jill is doing as well as she can – now has bedsores on the backs of her legs – I am guessing because she doesn’t move when she sleeps. I am almost certain she takes narcotics for pain – the bedsores are concerning as they are difficult to heal. My mom passed on July 29, 2008 as did a very good friend who died that same month. Mom and dad’s anniversary was June 17th. Several of my relatives had birthdays in June – they are passed on as well. While I am almost certain that these folks are waiting for me in God’s kingdom, I miss everyone terribly.
I guess I have been spoiled with an awesome family and childhood and really don’t want to let these folks go. And I bemoan the fact that there is no one left to share the memories with me.
Jill is so much younger than me – 11 years – that she didn’t have the same experiences or know the relatives as well as my other sisters and I did. I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself.
I am struggling a bit with my prayer time, but I think that is to be expected from time to time. I am told or have read that the struggle brings us closer to God. And I am struggling as well with the direction of my life. I look around and see all that I can do, all that I have done with painting and jewelry and rosaries and stained glass and needlework – And I wonder what is it all for?
I am grateful for the gift of being able to do these things, but it just seems there has to be a purpose to it all. I have sold a few pieces over the years but there is so much – over 200 necklaces with earrings, probably close to 100 bracelets, well over 100 rosaries, over 50 or more one decade rosaries. The paintings I haven’t even counted, as they were done over 30 years time – probably 50 or more that people would like, some not as good as others. The stained glass – just a few pieces that I hang in my studio now. Some I have given away and then were returned to me after the receiver passed on. Most of the needlework pieces I did, when I was a young mother, have been given away. What is the purpose of all of this? If I were to give everything away, to whom would it go? Is that what God wants from me? I never seem to find an answer. If I am to trust that there is a purpose to it all, I need something – a sign as Maggie would say – that would tell me so. Is the purpose for after I am gone? Even that answer would satisfy me.
I don’t like uncertainty – no one does. I would like some answers. I make things because the making gives me pleasure. I have tons of supplies to make more things. Should I make more? I think that not using the gift I have been given is denying the giver – I don’t want to do that. So I keep on making stuff. Anyway – enough of that. Maybe there are no answers.