Yesterday I went to confession. I was struggling so that I hoped seeing the priest would help. And it did. Everything seemed to be backing up on me – too much to do, too many requests for my attention. At one point I even asked God “did He expect me to do this too?” I felt really awful about that statement. I pray that God will use me for His purposes. I offer myself to Him at Mass and Communion. And then, I balk.
Father Angelo told me that it was okay. Sometimes we are asked to do more than we can or should do. Rest, Father said.
And then on the 14th was the 3rd anniversary of Christine’s passing. I pray for her each day. Her picture is one of the last things I see at night. I miss her terribly – and Jeannie too. While Jill is still here – for which I am grateful – she only calls when she needs something. That isn’t much of a relationship especially after I have tried to do so much. I am not trying to be a victim here. I just know what I have done for her – willingly – and it would be nice if she called or even returned my calls just because she wants to know how I am doing.
Life has been difficult these last few years. There are times that I want to “go home to the Lord”. I know that is ungrateful of me, that God has given me life and good health – unlike my sisters. But I am getting old and I am tired and to be honest, lonely for my birth family. I want to see and speak with them again, remember the old times we all enjoyed together – laugh at the old stories. Will that ever be?
One thing that has helped me is to make a “memorial wall arrangement” of my family’s photos along with small watercolors which I had painted to remember my sisters. Each little painting represents some event or experience which I had with them. The wall is the first thing I see when I get up and the last thing I see when I turn out the light. It is as though they are all still with me.