When Christine died, I lost my best friend, the person who understood exactly who I was and how I felt, who worked and suffered along with me as we cared for our parents, the person I could talk with about anything. My prayer life changed when Christine died. I began to examine everything I did. I thought and wrote about what it felt like to lose a best friend. I told God that I was angry at him for taking her away too soon. I thought and wrote about her life, about the beautiful person she had become, about the times we shared. And I wondered where that left me. I wondered what would become of me, how would I cope with my life now that I no longer had someone in my life who understood what I was experiencing.
Before Christine left for unknown adventures, I prayed both morning and night, reading the Magnificat prayers. Most days I prayed the rosary. I no longer have a desire to pray. The most I could say was “thank you God for my sister”, because anything else would have been angry and hurtful. Now when I awake I say to myself the first line of my little psalm and a prayer that Jesus be praised in the Holy Sacrament. At night I say the Our Father and Hail Mary as mom taught us. I read the Bible some, because in the past it has meant something to me, and it gives me comfort. That is all I can do. I try to read the Magnificat, but even that does not satisfy. During this time I wondered if I tried the Magnificat and the Christian prayer because I wanted to be like others I knew who had a beautiful prayer life. I came to realize that I was not reading these prayers out of love but out of desire to be like others. Perhaps those prayers are not meant for me, but then what is? Where do I fit in or do I fit in at all? Am I fooling myself that I have a place here, that God even wants to share a relationship with me?
I go to the Adoration Chapel and try to speak with Him, but I get no response. Why? It is peaceful there, and I try to pray, but I am not sure that anything is changing or that anyone hears my prayers. I try to tell myself that the prayers in the Magnificat can and should be prayed out of love for God, not because I want to fit a particular mold. Where is my place here? Do I have one? Am I condemned to wander endlessly? Is this my hell? Or would Christine tell me that I am just being a “drama queen”, to get over it? I think she would listen and try to help me find my way. But she is gone and at times, I feel so alone.