
I know there are no answers to my questions, and that my questions are just grief talking, that in time the grief will pass. I have a difficult time praying right now. I still read the Magnificat in the mornings and evenings, but saying the rosary seems empty. Fr. Tim thought it might be time to try something else, but I am not sure what. I feel like a ship whose moorings have come loose in a storm. I am still afloat, not taking on water but just drifting in one direction and then another. I go to Mass and Adoration and leave feeling better for a time. But in the evenings, when it is time for bed, a time when Christine and I would talk, I grow weepy because she is not here. I would not have guessed growing up how connected my sisters and I would become. That losing them would be like losing a part of myself. And I wonder what is left of my life. And I understand that a person might wonder if God wants them at all.
What is it that God wants of me? What task does He have for me that I am still here? My husband and daughter are grateful that I am still living. They want me to stay for a very long time, especially Erin who thinks that I need to impart my values on Shamma as her grandparents did for her. While I am grateful for their love and concern, there are times when I would rather be with my sisters. Perhaps that sounds heartless or unloving toward my little family, but in the depths of grief I only want the pain to stop.