I was kneeling after Communion with my eyes closed as this seems to help meditation. I imagined Jesus in the clouds with graces streaming from His Hands. Behind Him peeking around his shoulder was Jeannie smiling and waving, and I think Christine was smiling and waving as well. Maybe I was imagining. I hope not.
Last night while trying to fall asleep, I thought about all the I have done since dad died to forge a relationship with God. I have tried to be a better person. I have tried to align my life with what God wants for me. And yet I have to ask, was it meaningless? Am I any further along in the spiritual life? I had written a letter to Christine begging her to return to the Church should I die before she did – a letter to be given to her if I die first. As though I had found a treasure and wanted to share it with her. But she has truly found the treasure before me. Although Christine hadn’t gone to Church, except for funerals, since her divorce and marriage to Keith, I am the one so in need of friendship with God, not her. By just living her life, struggling with the problems that came along, she forged a relationship with God that allowed Him to see His Face in her soul and call her to Himself. All the studying and praying that I have done in the last nine years – what is the use of it all? Am I any closer to God than I was nine years ago?
After writing this, I opened the little book “Jesus Calling” that Birdie had given to me. Here is what it said for today: “Keep walking along the path I have chosen for you. Your desire to live close to Me is a delight to Me…Together we will forge a path up the high mountain. The journey is arduous at times, and you are weak. Some day you will dance light-footed on the high peaks, but for now our walk is often plodding and heavy. All I require of you is to take the next step, clinging to My hand for strength and direction…Stay on the path I have selected for you. It is truly the path of life.” Is that the answer to my question, to the pain in my heart? Am I envious of Christine and Jeannie, that they have found God before I did?
I remember some time ago thinking that when we were old – Christine and I – and our husbands were gone, that we would live together, supporting one another through the vagaries of old age. And it would be a joy to have one another’s companionship. That was not to b – Christine died the next day.