Karen sent me a link to Shawn’s latest post. This one was about the Sacred Heart of Jesus and our heart. The Sacred Heart of Jesus, the sacred heart of you. I am usually astounded by Shawn’s writings. Thinking about not so much what she wrote but about the variety of her subjects kept me from falling to sleep easily. Then there was the mosquito that I never could catch and the class Larry and I had attended shortly before about the Sacraments. I have known and lived with him for 43 years and yet I had never heard what he said last night. How little we really know one another!
Shawn’s life has been difficult, as I have learned from what she has revealed in some of her posts. She has lost two husbands, one to an accident when her children were young, the other just recently. The second husband was diagnosed with cancer before their marriage but she married him anyway. Would I have had the courage to do this? Would I have loved that much? Shawn supports herself and her children, now mostly grown,by working as a private caregiver. She wrote once about her mother who has recently died. She wrote once about the lessons she learned from caring for someone very ill. She writes about what she thinks about saints, Jesus, Mary and life itself. I cannot help being a little “envious”, if that is the right word, of Shawn’s interior life, which must be one of great beauty. She is a lay Carmelite and a friend of Karen’s.
How do I develop my interior life? Is it possible? Am I wanting something that is given to only a few? So many times I find myself thinking about ordinary things, what I would say or do under this or that circumstance. How do I turn those inner musings into worship? For that is what Shawn is doing in her posts – worshiping God in her thoughts about Him. Is that what this is – worship, this craving for more of a spiritual life? Is this something that I can bring about myself – I think not? Or is this something that is a gift from God? Can I cooperate with Him to access this gift? Or is this gift a distraction, as what I should want is Him? Or is this desire for thoughts about God really a desire for Him? So many things are so confusing to me.