Yesterday was the day of my meeting with Judy, my spiritual director. She spoke with me over the phone, since the weather was so inclement. Judy suggested that when there are some thoughts in a prayer or in an experience in which I see God at work, that I should see that work, not just in a generic way for everyone. I do see God’s work, as in the coming of the dawn, or the beauty of the earth, as a gift for everyone. Judy suggested that the gift is for me too, and that I should take the experience to heart and ponder it, as it relates to God’s love for me.
Psalm 40 from this Morning’s Magnificat:
I waited, waited for the Lord
and he stooped down to me;
he heard my cry.
He put a new song into my mouth,
praise of our God.
Many shall see and fear
and trust in the Lord.
I cried out to the Lord at the death of my father, at the difficulties my sisters and I experienced at his death, when we learned that his suffering and death was caused by a caregiver we had hired to help our parents. After some months had passed, God sent His Son Jesus, in a dream, to call me back to His Church. In the dream I saw Jesus standing in a bright white room, and a voice told me that “In Jesus there is freedom“. At first I thought the dream was just a remembrance of something I had read recently in the Bible, but I couldn’t find the words there. Finally, I came to believe that it was the Lord calling me back to a relationship with Him.
It has been a difficult journey back to the faith of my youth, but the voice in the dream was correct. I have found freedom in Jesus. There is a new song – a new voice – in my life, and that voice is a song of praise to God.
That God “would stoop down to me”, a sinner, who had abandoned Him and His Church, and draw me out of the pit I had made for myself, is a wonder beyond my imagining. So many times I have pondered why God would love me. I am nothing before Him. He could make hundreds like me, but it is me whom He loves. He is God, and He loves and values His creation, and I am one of His loved children. We learn in the Bible, Psalm 139, for example, that God knew me before I was formed in my mother’s womb.
“Your eyes beheld my unformed substance,
In your book were written all the days that were formed for me,
when none of them as yet existed.”
Look how far God has taken me from that dream more than eight years ago to those first hesitant steps back to His Church, through doubt and indecision, to a sense that going to Mass was something that I had to do, then to Confession, and finally Scripture Study, where I have found companionship and friendship and a sense of belonging and value. Along the way I began an Adoration Hour each week which gives me peace and respite from the problems of the world. I felt called to help the lonely and the elderly by taking the Eucharist to them. I am learning to pray, albeit slowly and hesitantly. At each step the Lord is leading me, calling me softly in a voice that must be heard with the ears of my heart.
How many, O Lord my God,
are the wonder and designs
that you have worked for us,
you have no equal.
Should I proclaim and speak of them,
they are more than I can tell!
I look forward to the continuing adventure, to the love affair with my God.
I will sing the Lord’s renown, Oh, proclaim the greatness of our God! (Dt 32:3)